on contentment

it's looking different than I thought it would

Rizos Ιakovos (1849 - 1926) Lady Reclining on Couch, ca 1885-1890

I feel like for the first time, in a long time, I can actually lean my lower back against the kitchen sink, drink my coffee, exhale and not feel absolutely consumed— consumed by need for a romantic relationship. Perhaps this is the contentment I last felt in my teens.

Contentment looks different than I thought it would. I thought that with enough time, I would discover contentment and a desire for marriage are mutually exclusive. But they are not. The two are on a balancing scale and only become uneven when I idolize the marriage in question.

I will say, this contentment ebbs and flows. I have not remained in a perpetual state of ceasing to bawl due to desire, but by the grace of God, strides have been made. I would say, my mind is being renewed.

I’m so sober, it’s glorious. I’m de-centering men, relearning things and seeing that men are valuable, and can be lovely; but that my life is and can continue to be truly fulfilling with or without them. It’s refreshing. And it’s nice. To not lie to myself, or worse, lie to God. I have been taught “oh, once you’re not looking for love you’ll find it” and “God won’t give you a spouse until you’re content.”, delivered with a tone that denotes God is withholding this man as a punishment and not an act of love. A husband is not a reward for contentment, but a gift. God holding back a husband because he is an idol is not a punishment, but a great kindness.

I was on the phone with my best friend recently, and told her that these days I truly see why it’s the love and kindness of God to not have given me what I wanted when I wanted it. I was not sober in my heart. I had a complex that led me to believe a husband would solve some, even most of my problems, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I would have gotten married and been stressed out of my mind consistently trying to figure out how to keep him, please him, and consciously or subconsciously terrified of losing him. And the thing about placing the man on a pedestal, is that I would also run a great risk of losing myself. And further, with a misplaced and extreme view of my husband, I could also make him my god, and lose God.

By the grace of God, I am discovering things daily, even rediscovering, what feels like a disruption in the mundane. I have my routines, the things I like to do in solitude, and the things I like to do with those I love most. I spend time with people I want to spend time with. I eat the things that I crave. I read what I want to read. I discover, even the things I was scared to discover and rediscover the things which I forgot.

In recent events, it has been realized that I can scream into a pillow that I want to be loved, and still operate in sobriety, not dating someone just to fill a void. I can yearn patiently. And when impatient, I can choose not to use someone’s son as a placeholder boyfriend. This too, is nice.

I was never taught that I could cry because I want to hold hands, and still be content enough with my situation to not change it. I have been shamed for my desires, and have learned that shame truly comes ubiquitously when you’re vulnerable with people who haven’t yet learned to handle you the way Christ does.

And that’s okay, they’re being fathered just like I am. I will remain vulnerable because God is our Father and in Him, I am unashamed. I am unlearning and learning, daily with Him. My heart remains secure with God. He does not shame me when my pillow is soaked with tears from when I ask Him in the middle of the night what’s wrong with me and why not now?

And I suppose I wish I had been taught all of these states of being that I am experiencing are nothing God is unwilling or irritated to Father me through. I have noticed, what I deem to be an odd classism in the body of Christ, where being honest about wanting a relationship and being even “boy crazy”, places you at the bottom of the pyramid, while the women who scream “contentment” (without any actionable steps) and don’t necessarily relate to the aforementioned women are at the top.

It begs the question then, what happens to the woman overcome with desire to be married? Believe it or not, God will father her and show her if she has any idols, and He will help her to make the idols fall flat on their faces like Dagon. And when the time is right, the Lord will set her up with the man suitable for her. She is not a castaway, “lesser” daughter or woman with a scarlet letter because of her desire. She walked on a different path to learn contentment, and though the idea of contentment was used as a weapon against her, she will learn by the grace of God it is not her enemy.

And what of the woman who did this contentment thing “right” the first time? The one who didn’t sob into the night for a husband? Believe this too, God will also father her and show her the contents of her heart, prune her like the rest of His own. And when the time is right, the Lord will set her up with the man suitable for her. She is not the “better” daughter, because her journey looked different.

I continue on my journey. I am the woman who has been overcome with the desire to be married, and my honesty with God has served me well. He is tender, and the ultimate Revelator. Contentment is holy work, and is not my enemy. As I learn to continue growing in contentment, I take not for granted the kindness and patience of God. And I am thankful that He is always a safe place to land.

With love,

Rebecca