adorning the man

trophy wife or treasured beauty?

I’m wrestling with a tension. A few months ago, I wrote a piece called A Mind at Work, where I explored the experience of craving recognition for my intellect more than my appearance. I wrestled with being appreciated primarily for how I look rather than for my mind, my heart, or my inner substance.

That tension remains, even this morning. I’ve often heard—and was reminded again recently—that when a man is with a beautiful woman, she bedecks him, enhancing how others perceive him. He becomes more respected in the world simply because of her beauty. It’s not a new idea. It’s the foundation of the “trophy wife” concept and explains why some men date women they don’t truly care for, simply because she’s the “hottest in the room.” Her looks alone become his social capital.

This frustrates me deeply. About a year ago, I sat in the kitchen with an old friend and vented to her, what I vent to you all. I told her how much it bothers me that a man’s initial attraction to me is often based on my looks and how my mind, heart, and character seem to come second.

I found it jarring that even “good” men seem to operate this way, and I find myself at a loss for how to navigate this reality. She suggested I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, a book that explores the hearts of men and women from a biblical perspective. I haven’t read it yet, but I imagine it’s meant to reassure me that it’s not unsettling for a partner to find me beautiful.

And maybe I should read it. Because here’s the thing: I don’t mind adorning a man who loves me, but I have no desire to be reduced to a trophy wife or used as a pawn in someone’s pursuit of respect or validation.

When I read Proverbs 31, the biblical blueprint for womanhood, I don’t see a mere ornament or a passive figure. The Proverbs 31 woman is described as kind, wise, prudent, and even well-dressed—but her beauty is not the essence of her worth. She adorns her husband, yes, but in ways that far exceed her physical appearance. Her inner qualities—her character, wisdom, and diligence—are what truly are an asset to him. The text says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her” (Proverbs 31:11). Trustworthiness, I believe, is a deeper and more enduring form of adornment than physical beauty alone. And as the passage concludes, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).

Perhaps this is why I feel such deep irritation at the idea of using a woman’s beauty as social capital. It’s shortsighted, unstable, and ultimately unsustainable. This mindset is what leads to women being “replaced.” When her looks inevitably change, and he needs a fresh ego boost, another woman enters the picture. We see it all the time.

But God, in His brilliance, created women to be so much more than beautiful. He designed women to be beautiful in ways that transcend the physical—a beauty that lasts a lifetime, no matter how the body changes.

I choose to reconcile this tension by embracing adornment over exploitation.

I aim to be a treasured beauty—not because of how I look, but because of who God made me to be and continues to make me to be, inwardly and outwardly.

With love,

Rebecca