a mind at work

sometimes a girl wants to be called brilliant as much as she does pretty

a little lore

When I was in high school, I was apart of a devoted audience when it came to watching Grey’s Anatomy. I haven’t seen an episode in a long time, but if there’s one quote that lingers with me to to this day, it’s this one from Christina Yang that went viral way back when:

Grey’s Anatomy Season 7, Episode 17

As a sixteen year old girl with my sights set on becoming a doctor, and filled with curiosity, I clung to this quote and be it consciously or subconsciously, it became a pillar in my mind for not only how I desired to be, but also how I desired to be perceived in this lifetime. I wanted to be pretty yes, but I also wanted to be known as brilliant. It was not always this way, but for a long time now, I can honestly say I sometimes prefer when a man compliments my intellect more often than he compliments my looks. And I’m not the only girl who feels this way:

hypothesizing, in the name of good science

Why is this the case for me though? I have a few theories. But one of them that I find to be of more relevance is that there was a certain point in my younger years that I realized that by the reckoning of societal beauty standards, I would never be at the top of the pyramid and that it would do well for me to find something (and quickly) that is still praise-worthy to compensate. If I am correct, if that was truly the origin of me favoring being called smart over hot, it has definitely developed as I’ve gotten older. I’m still not the societal beauty standard, but I’m also not pining to be rated above a 6 on “TBH/Rate” Instagram posts. So, if it’s not solely being physically attractive to men at large that I’m after, what is it?

For one, sitting at twenty-three years of age and having numerous unpleasant interactions with the opposite sex, I learned that I want to be loved and known for things of lasting value. In the poetry I write, I speak to yearning to be known for my tenderness and joy. In addition to that, I often think about how important it is for me to be both intellectually stimulating and intellectually stimulated by my significant other. I’ve learned that it’s entirely crucial for me to be challenged, and that I’m always hungry to learn something, so ideally being with someone who has their own interests and areas of expertise is appealing to me. And with that being said, I’ve read my fair share of content that says to be the person you want to be with. If you want to marry someone who likes to learn, learn to enjoy learning. If you want to be with someone who is financially responsible, learn to be financially responsible. If you want to be with someone who takes care of themselves, learn to take care of yourself. Obviously, there are areas where we can complement our significant others, where we don’t have to be the same (anybody else here want to cook but not do the dishes?), but there is a pattern here that informs us that we shouldn’t always expect something from someone that we won’t offer.

knowing, loving, and societal relevance?

I was telling my best friend that I’d honestly fold over being called “weird” instead of “hot” and we laughed about it, but I’m serious as a judge you guys. If the guy I’m talking to studies me enough and can make the right judgement to call me odd, I favor that (if he’s being kind of course), because I feel known. When I no longer look the same as when he met me, at my silver-haired stage of eighty, eating blackberry jam and goat cheese spread on sourdough, he will still know me as weird and that’s what I’m after.

The same thing applies to my intelligence being recognized and affirmed. It’s not a revolutionary thought by any means, but for me, as mentioned, I am sometimes much more pleased when applauded for my mind over my looks… except for when that isn’t true (a little more on that later). My experiences beg the question: What do I do when one of the things I love most about me, isn’t what’s most societally relevant? As a woman, we are taught that the most important thing we can be and be known for is our beauty. It is said to be our social currency. It is how many women marry into wealth and it’s how a good deal of women get married at all. It’s not they they aren’t bright and interesting. No, the real issue is being proposed to because a man only saw a woman’s beautiful exterior and rendered little to no attention to her interior, let alone praise it or cultivate it. There’s much discourse and certainly no shortage of content about ‘pretty privilege’ or the ‘beauty premium’ and similar concepts that show the realities of getting ahead in life and advancing in social mobility due to being beautiful. There’s no real talk about the woman getting the man all the girls want because she’s bright. Then again, I seldom want the man that all the girls want, and getting the guy that really sees me at all can feel harrowing.

Especially in a generation where use of online dating is growing exponentially. Pew Research Center found three-in-ten adults report using a dating app and one-in-ten partnered adults report meeting their significant other on a dating app. The caveat with this usage however, is that dating apps can make dating for internal characteristics more difficult than when we meet people in real life, in our day to day, in our mundanity. For example, I present to you what I call the ‘proximity hack’. In other words, I feel that often times people are more prone to fall for personality and smarts (in addition to beauty) because they’ve been around the person for a prolonged period of time and have developed feelings that they might have never developed if it were left to swiping left or right and making judgments on a fleeting visual impression. People often don’t read bios and fully check out interests, and don’t even get me started on how so many conversations barely lift off the ground to even establish compatibility or not. Then am I promised better compatibility if I resort to meeting people in person? Perhaps so, but good grief, I don’t really go anywhere. Which brings me to this story about a guy I met on Hinge.

Mr. Man

Last year, I had a dating experience where I was talking to a guy who I knew to be incredibly intelligent. He was good with numbers, and an analytics star boy. I believe that one of the things he liked most about me was our conversations and we never had lack for them. Going back and forth on iMessage we’d talk about numbers, theology and other topics and I truly felt I learned well from him.

Side note: I’m currently looking through our old messages for the sake of this post. No, I didn’t delete them. Yes, call it research.

Between him finding a formula to help me determine how much of my shopping was impulsive, and mulling over C.S. Lewis, I realized I felt something was missing. I realized I *did* need the romantic element of being affirmed concerning my beauty more than I thought. The pitfall is that it didn’t seem to be on his list of priorities to call me beautiful too often, which was something I was used to in my more shallow interactions with other guys. There were some notable times he called out my beauty, but from what I understood about him (and from a conversation we had where I brought the topic of validation up), he also thought compliments about what’s inside were more substantial. Or maybe he didn’t actually find me that pretty— only God knows. Nevertheless, I like balance. Although I want it to be established that there is a mutual attraction between my partner and I, I also want to be consistently affirmed concerning my inner-life. This is the reason “Beautiful!” doesn’t get my feet kicking like “I love reading your writing, beautiful!” Let the girls have both!

Conclusions and solutions?

Is that the answer then? Is it as simple as finding someone who values both aspects of you as a woman? For now, I’ll resolve that that’s it. I can imagine myself most fulfilled when “hi, pretty girl” meets “I loved your book recommendation.” In the meantime though, I’ll keep writing essays, reading, learning new hobbies and being with the people that bring me joy. Despite how impossible it feels at times, I still have a lot of faith to believe that the man who loves my mind as much as my face is walking around on this pale blue dot, somewhere.

With love,

Rebecca